It gets sad at the end of some movies when snapshots of the main character's life are flashed on the screen from childhood into adulthood. Scenes from the movie Philadelphia, after Tom Hank's character dies, or that from Central Station where Dora cries relentlessly on the bus after leaving Josué early that morning, are some images that remind us of how bitter and painful life can be when it's time to go.
I still reminisce at night about the times I've had and known my sister for when she was a kid, a teenager, an adult. Pictures of the five of us siblings going to school, or waiting by the steps of the building for Tatay and Nanay to pick us up, all come back in high definition, the images are profoundly crystal clear. The questions start coming in: "Was she happy in school? Did her classmates treat her nice? Did she enjoy growing up?" I am overcome by emotions, thoughts, feelings, sentiments, etc. but I cannot cry. I try to swill it down my throat. I also still hear the music by Asin that Tatay plays on and on on most weekend mornings before or after we go to church as a family. He would hum to the tunes, while we wait in line for the music to stop so we can switch the channel to DYIC or DYMB. Tatay would just then take his mini handheld radio, put on the earphones and sit by the front porch, and leave the airwaves to any of us who want to listen to our favorite pop music station. Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order was one of the biggest hits those days.
There are a million other pictures, clippings, video snippets, acts, scenes, and heartfelt moments in my family's life with Tatay and Ann that continue to well up from my gut to my heart. They are projected on the walls of my life through my very own eyes. I grew up and lived with them, and I loved them. But they have passed away, and I am without a father and one beloved sister. I do not know what to do with these so called Memories. I can hear their voices even if they cannot speak; I can see their faces even when they are not around. I can still remember the things they love and hate (at least some of them). I miss them.
(Enter Hope.)
"If we live our very best NOW, with anyone, anytime, then the pain and sorrow of the past need not haunt us no more..."
The God of all things looks upon you with love and hope. There is a Home away from all of these, where burnt and overdone fried eggs are prepared (Ann's favorite), where baseball caps and torn denim jeans are worn 24/7 (Tatay's favorite fashion wear), and where all the rest of my Beloved Family will be together someday.
For now, I will have to keep on watching and hearing these movies in my mind. The Best Picture is yet to come.
