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This year is almost over, and I am done with some things in my life as well. I kept promising, planning, daydreaming, wishing, of doing things that I should have done years ago. Wishful thinking. Got boring. Tiresome. Unproductive. And meaningless.

I am relieved in knowing that it is not my responsibility to solve the world's problems, or other people's crisis. I AM MY PROBLEM AND MY CRISIS. I can let go of their baggage and start carrying mine. It sounds selfish, but I won't get any nearer to where I'm supposed to be if I continue being somebody else's scapegoat. Nobody asked me to. I guess it's my excuse for not living mine, therefore having to help others and be of service to them makes me think I am fulfilling my own life purpose. Not really.

It's 50 degrees outside, damp, and gray. But it's not depressing. Which is a good sign. My soul is ready to pop out of its cocoon. I am not to be fed to spiders or beetles, I am ready to fly out on my own again. Freely. Expectantly. Passionately.

Tomorrow, I will receive my photo book portfolio, bound in full color and quality paper. It's time to get things going, my pace, my time, my style, my heart.

This is change I can believe in.

Happy Birthday Ann!

It's been four years since you passed away, and I have not forgotten you a bit. Your life and your death remind me of the life and the death I have to face myself. We are all born to be somebody in this world. We are good humans for a reason, and that is why we help, share, reach out, and love those who need support wherever we are put.

Today, I remember your smile, your hopes, your dreams, your life, your son. I know you are in a better place somewhere, and I can't wait to see you, tatay, lola nits and God in person. Forever. I want to live out your life in the hope of making mine shine twice as bright for you and me. I will do you proud someday, because you inspire me to live and cherish every single breath I take and make.

Happy Birthday, my beloved sister and friend.

I miss you.

I love you.

Nowhere but Somewhere

Times have changed. Drastically, without us noticing, we are sadder and needier than ever. Or is it just me? I don't know about you but the world around me seems pretty chaotic and unsteady. Threats of war, disease, poverty, insecurity, nuclear warfare, unemployment, bad credit, etc. all seem to knock on everyone's (save the few elite's) door. People are lost, not knowing what to do, where to go, whom to trust, whom to love. Sex. Drugs. Disfunctional relationships. Lots of them. Anywhere. Everywhere.

I am burdened by the fear of losing good things, good people, good talent, good souls, good friendships, and at the same time feel very helpless against the powers that drive these natural deaths we can not seem to reverse. But Murphy's law is not all that absolute. The second clause, "if you give them a CHANCE," proves that we can hold our selves and fight. Turn away and leave. Make a different choice. Survive. LIVE.

I am almost unstable right now. So many things happening around me, directly and indirectly, and I feel so powerless because I can't make everything right according to my own wishes. I cannot help everyone, let alone my own helpless self.

I closed my eyes. I spoke what and how I felt.

I prayed:

"I hope that everything I believe and know that has brought me up to this point, will someday bring me to where I need to be, why I am here, who I really am. And that this same force that called forth my existence and all things around me, will deliver that which it has intended to do. I can only do what I know, what I am able to, and the end result is up to someone else. I bring the factors on my side of the equation, Love will decide the results on the other end of the equation. There is a higher paradigm beyond that which I see, hear, and feel right now, and I will someday see the Glory that awaits every creature from his/her Creator. I will lose some good things, as I do the bad things, but in the end, the be all and end all will look me straight in the eye, wrap me in its arms, and bestow unto me all the Love I have been longing for. All the days of my life."

I am still worried and afraid. But Hope does not only float, it survives faith, endures beyond patience, and secures peace of mind transcending.

Be transformed. Renew your mind. The fact that we can be destroyed, empowers the higher Truth that we can be created.

God is ultimately higher and bigger than all our worst fears combined.